I clearly remember the nights I used to be wide awake few years back as a student. But that was a different thing. I really did not have to worry about going to work or having to start working from the morning. It is very different now. Counting the nights that I wide awake again, now.
I feel restlessness in me keeping me awake. Can't really pin point to one good reason. But one thing for sure that I can say is that I did have peaceful nights when I didn't really have to worry about anything. Anything.
Things that have become very dear to me in life, bringing joy and meaning, are now lacking in life. At least that is how I feel right now. I am battling things in my mind around work that I do and around the life that I lead. I feel the loss of someone closer in life and at the same time feel the loss of something closer and meaningful at work.
Having any one of the above that I lack right now at any point of time would have kept me at peace and would have given me strength. Now, it feels like I switch between two battles all the time that I am awake. And the feeling of loss never lets me get good sleep. Only way I get sleep now a days is when I am exhausted mentally or physically or emotionally. And it's a blackout sleep.
I started at least realizing the need for upkeep of my mental health. However, I am not able to do so just like how I am not able to also care about my physical and emotional health. Left it all to the chance of getting my sanity back.
Who can we blame for all this? And how would that solve any of this? It is all my doing. Everyone in the world have their own needs and agendas. Sometimes it matches and many times it doesn't.
It now is very evident to me that this feeling of loss is painful and this pain is going to stay. The efforts required are not to stop the pain because it does not seem possible. The efforts required are to gain capacity to endure the pain. And be functional and at peace. And get some peaceful sleep. Knowing that I do not lack anything. And that there is no loss.
I can save someone. But I can't save myself. I take that as a principle of nature for inter-dependencies. The inter-dependencies that we or I often tend to devalue.
I feel restlessness in me keeping me awake. Can't really pin point to one good reason. But one thing for sure that I can say is that I did have peaceful nights when I didn't really have to worry about anything. Anything.
Things that have become very dear to me in life, bringing joy and meaning, are now lacking in life. At least that is how I feel right now. I am battling things in my mind around work that I do and around the life that I lead. I feel the loss of someone closer in life and at the same time feel the loss of something closer and meaningful at work.
Having any one of the above that I lack right now at any point of time would have kept me at peace and would have given me strength. Now, it feels like I switch between two battles all the time that I am awake. And the feeling of loss never lets me get good sleep. Only way I get sleep now a days is when I am exhausted mentally or physically or emotionally. And it's a blackout sleep.
I started at least realizing the need for upkeep of my mental health. However, I am not able to do so just like how I am not able to also care about my physical and emotional health. Left it all to the chance of getting my sanity back.
Who can we blame for all this? And how would that solve any of this? It is all my doing. Everyone in the world have their own needs and agendas. Sometimes it matches and many times it doesn't.
It now is very evident to me that this feeling of loss is painful and this pain is going to stay. The efforts required are not to stop the pain because it does not seem possible. The efforts required are to gain capacity to endure the pain. And be functional and at peace. And get some peaceful sleep. Knowing that I do not lack anything. And that there is no loss.
I can save someone. But I can't save myself. I take that as a principle of nature for inter-dependencies. The inter-dependencies that we or I often tend to devalue.
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